Erotic Intelligence by Alexandra Katehakis

Author:Alexandra Katehakis
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
ISBN: 9780757394027
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
Published: 2010-08-27T16:00:00+00:00

Figure 6.1. Example of Three-Circle Sexual Sobriety Plan

(For more information on how to create a comprehensive sobriety plan, see the Sex Addicts Anonymous pamphlet Three Circles.)

Safety Planning for Partners

As a partner of a sex addict, take time to think about what you need in order to feel safe in the relationship. Often, partners report that they engaged in behaviors in early recovery that made them feel bad about themselves when they first learned about their husband’s or wife’s sexual acting-out behaviors. Understandably, partners will check e-mail accounts and phone records, listen to voice messages, or drive by the house of their spouse’s affair partner trying to create a sense of safety and control. These behaviors can be destructive to one’s self-esteem and are reactions to the trauma of having been betrayed.

As you heal your betrayal trauma and engage in healthier coping mechanisms such as reaching out to others for support, consider listing the behaviors that could lead you to diminishing your self-esteem. This list might include (but is not limited to) feeling stressed out, waiting for your spouse’s phone call, calling several times to check up on him/her, getting angry or jealous of your spouse’s time away from home, and so on. When your instincts tell you something is wrong or when your anxiety increases, trust the feeling that comes up. However, remember to rely on your program and the healthy coping skills you have to check things out with others you trust.

Because each person is unique, be aware of your triggers and talk to your partner directly about them. Don’t second-guess yourself and don’t assume anything. This is a time to remember key aspects of the Four Cornerstones of Intimacy and put them into play. Remember to take a stand for what’s true for you, comfort your anxieties, don’t react to your partner’s feelings, be assertive, speak up for yourself, and use empathy.

Old Patterns and a New Story

Many sex addicts learned through the neglect or trauma they experienced in their families of origin to get their needs met by being seductive and manipulative in relationships with others. Relating to people with sexual energy gave them a false sense of power and control. Since an addict’s currency is sexuality, their motives are to control the outcome of a situation for self-gratification, whether it’s with a boss, someone behind a checkout counter, or a lover.

As a recovering person, you’ve learned additional ways to relate to people, plus you’ve had the opportunity to make friends of the same gender through 12-step meetings. In these meetings, men tell me they much “prefer women because they understand me better.” Women say they “prefer men because they’re not catty, and I can trust them more.” It’s possible that both of these statements can be about running old patterns and manipulating the opposite sex in order to feel safe. Avoiding having same-sex friends can be a trap for people in recovery and a way to avoid dealing with intimacy issues, as demonstrated in Marie’s story.

Marie had a competitive relationship with her mother growing up and into her addictive years as an adult.

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